The Wizard's Cop-out Speech

The scene opens up at the World Forum of Wizards in Vladivostock. The Wizard of Ozbama walks up to the podium, wearing his crown and gown, carrying his sceptre, with his pet mongoose Attila following close behind.

"My dear people of the world, it is my great pleasure to address you this evening about the role the Kingdom of Ozbama has had in shaping world history.

First of all, I would like to apologize for being such a strong kingdom, so willing to help all those minor kingdoms in distress. What were we thinking back in WWII? I mean, heck, sure we entered the war toward the end, but still, whoa! All that help we gave, I'm SO SORRY. We shouldn't have interfered, we just should have let you carry on to the best of your abilities, to fend for yourself and let those Bosch and Nips annihilate you. How could we have been so--so---altruistic? I mean, heck, you guys didn't need us, we butt in, uninvited. And now look. All that help we gave you---I'm so embarrassed. You are SO RIGHT to blame us for everything wrong in the world today. If we hadn't been so eager to promote democracy, to rid the world of Fascism, Communism, and all those isms, why, who knows what state you'd be in today! You might have much less freedom, no medical or scientific advances, no industries, no little truck-stop cafes on the sides of the roads in France . . . . in short, you'd all be under One Government, controlling everything without you having to lift your little fingers or to think for yourselves. Imagine---not having to think! What have we done??????

And my dear friends, the Saudis . . . . I bow to you a thousand times. You are Our Dear Friends for Life. It doesn't matter that most of the terrorists that piloted the planes that hit our World Trade Center in New York were Saudis . . .they were just misdirected youth. They had bad childhoods, that's all. Not their faults at all----we take the blame, it is our own fault that we were attacked. Thank you, thank you, thank you, your oil is our god, we worship you with all our hearts. Except for worshiping me, that is. After all, I am the Great Wizard Ozbama, the leader of the Most Powerful Kingdom in the Universe. I make and break laws, I spurn our enemies right, left and center, I do what I want, say what I want.

In conclusion, I want to apologize one more time, to let all the world know what idiots we have been and no longer will we do the right thing, but we shall always do the Politically Correct thing, which is usually the wrong thing but it's politically correct, and that's what really counts! Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heavy heart. And now, the Wizardess would like to say a few words . . ." The Wizard walks off the stage, his loyal mongoose trotting close behind, and on walks Dorothea, the Wizardess, wearing a Moschino hot pink mini skirt with matching cropped jacket, lime green platform sandals and matching hat and handbag. The crowd cheers wildly for their fashion icon . . . she is much loved by all.

"Hello, all you happy people! Yes, I'm here. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This isn't going to be a long speech, I just wanted to thank you for being so loyal to us both, for your love and never-ending devotion. We love you, too! Yes! We do! We do! Our daughters love you! Our pets love you! Our servants love you! You will always be in our hearts as long as you do as we say! We will never again spoil the world with our goodwill, but will let everything fall apart naturally! We're sorry! We're sorry! Please forgive us and love us again! We need your love, your support! We'll do anything you want, as long as we thought of it first! Yes! Yes! We bow down to you but you have to bow down to us first! We will isolate ourselves and never again help anyone! We promise! Thank you, thank you, good people of the world! Thank you!" The Wizardess walks off the stage amidst a torrent of applause; she waves one more time, and disappears. The Forum comes to an end, and all the delegates go home.

Backstage, the Wizard and Wizardess congratulate themselves on a job well done, change into their travelling clothes, and board their private jet to Bora Bora, where they have an extended vacation. The world goes on . . . . .